Friday, January 10, 2014


A few weeks ago when Chris and I were running errands, someone said something to me that hurt my feelings. REEEEEALLY bad.
So bad, that I cried the whole drive home, and poor C didn't even bother asking if I was okay. Boy isn't stupid! I was so incredibly not okay.
And let's be honest, I haven't been OKAY since October. I'm getting there, but it's been an interesting road. This poor girl, in all honesty, had no idea what she said would make me feel like I'd been sucker punched. I seriously doubt she had any idea how my heart aches. Did I feel (in that moment) like throwing a coffee pot at this girl? You betcha. But it was not her fault, at all.
As I pondered my heartache, this girls poorly chosen words, and my stage in life, I realized I had to be honest with myself.
Honest in where I was. Honest with myself about my journey, and where I find myself lately, as a wife and mama.

So here is life lately: Life lately is crumbled corn chips in the living room. It's castile soap covering Christopher Robin's entire body-because let's face it-kid gets creative when he's bored! It's train tracks covering the circumference of the house. It's a small house..Don't get too excited. It's dirty dishes in my sink, too many toys thrown in the pool, asking myself how many days I can go without a shower before my hair looks ridiculous, it's being asked 76 1/2 times if the boys can watch Curious George, it's crayons on the wall, deep conditioning Christopher Robin's curls so they continue to look A-dorable, but most of all it's navigating real life. Big brother little brother relationships, understanding my husband's needs, standing in the parking lot of Publix with Ben, asking him if eating Christopher Robin's sprinkle cookie was very loving. It's watching some of my dearest friends continue to be pregnant, and I'm just... not. It's taking the time to tell Ben I love him, no matter many how many times he thinks it's a good idea to tee tee off the side of his bunk bed..You'd be surprised...He thinks it's a good idea every other day....I love that kid.

My parents had a cross stitch of tulips framed in Ana Eason's and my room growing up. Under the tulips were the words "bloom where you are planted".

Well, I'm planted here. This is where the Lord wants me, Among the dirty clothes and legos and heartache. And I intend to bloom. In this stage. On this journey. I'm thankful. And blessed. Even in the midst of crayon drawings on the walls.

1 comment:

  1. You entry made me sad. I am sorry you are still struggling so over the lose of your baby. I know how you feel. I lost a baby before we ever had any children. It hurts. It does. And unless someone has experienced the loss of a child they can't say they understand. I found peace in knowing that my baby would never have to live in this cruel and wicked world. Trey and I are believers and we believe that God has our baby in paradise and one day we will be reunited. Your brother is up there playing with your little one until you can get there.
    Find peace in knowing that you CAN have normal and healthy children. You can have a healthy full-term pregnancy. I didn't have that assurance at my stage in the game. You will always ache and long for that baby, but time does heal your pain. Hold on to the fact that God is good and your baby is in a perfect place and you will see him/her again!

    Love you,
    Jill Lamar