Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Ice Cream and tears

On Sunday after church and lunch with the family, Chris and I partook of my favorite non-alcoholic past time EVER. We went to the Dip to get ice cream. Well, I got ice cream, he cheated and got fried cheese cubes. I didn't know that was an option or I would ordered ice cream AND food.
The sad thing is, I can recall a time when food didn't mean that much to me.
Oh the skinny, non preggo days....
As Chris and I were ordering our treats, I looked over to the left and saw a teen age girl with her apparent boyfriend. They were hugging, kissing, and having an all around fabulous time.

I couldn't help but smile at them and sigh a little with contentment when Chris pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. I didn't date in high school. I get asked a lot what I was like in high school, mostly because of the nerd factor from being home schooled, I don't have much to say. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVED being home schooled. But my family was home schooled, before it was cool. Another reason why I didn't date, or comment fondly on my high school years, is because those are the years I remember most vividly. I remember my brother Ben being the sickest then. I also can't ever forget the day he died, when I was a junior in high school.

I leaned against Chris, quietly letting memories take hold, when our order was called up. Chris walked up, got my ice cream, and handed it to me. I turned around to grab it, and realize that I knew the girl who was kissing her boyfriend. This girl, was the girl my brother had a crush on when he died. I grabbed my huge sun glasses I had bought in Italy last year, and quickly settled them on the bridge of my nose, right as the tears came. Poor Chris kept talking about how much he loves cheese, and didn't notice my mascara stained tears falling down my cheeks. My ice cream started to melt down my hand and I just kept staring at this girl.
The day before Ben died, he bought her a bouquet of yellow and purple wildflowers. He also bought some for my Momma, and our house keeper Nadine. I walked in 24 hours later, with Ben gone, and the flowers were in vases all over the house.

Filled with sadness, and a little anger I watched this girl out of the corner of my eye, enjoying the prettiest afternoon of the year with her boyfriend. I wanted Ben back so bad in that moment, I could taste it. It didn't seem very fair to me, that she was being embraced by her boyfriend, living a wonderful life, and Ben died without even getting his first kiss.
I know, that Ben is in a better place. I also am very aware that he is no longer suffering. Sure, all that knowledge is great on paper, but it still hurts.
I whispered to Chris I wanted to go home, and he nodded and opened the car door. As I was getting in the car, I took one last look at the girl- and then I felt a tiny foot kick up into my ribs.
Ben's nephew, Baby Ben was kicking me. Jer. 29:11 came to my mind as we drove home. I felt a ray of joy as Chris's hand held mine, and mine patted my tummy. No words can describe the grief I feel over Ben, but that girl can't do anything about Ben dying. Big Ben spends his days in heaven, living without pain. And now I am blessed to have my days filled with joy with my sweet husband, family, and Baby Ben.


  1. You are blessed, MK. And Baby Ben will be just perfect! Love to you and Chris.

  2. I enjoyed reading that.